I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.