When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
That 👊
I put the mess in domestic.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?