Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please