Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I know karate and tons of other words.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”