So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
plums roundup
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop