Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
3% human
97% stress
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.