I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
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Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.