[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
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I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.