I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.