If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You Might Also Like
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Lmbo
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.