“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I would like even faster food.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night