HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
? 💀
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
who will stop them
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.