Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
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if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Terribly Tuesday.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
why no one uses midhusbands
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*