Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers