[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down