me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”