[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
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ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too