Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please