dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Am I having a stroke?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
he chose this
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…