6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
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Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC