When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Velcrow
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.