“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
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#Caturday
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom