Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.