Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
My neck, my back, my…
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
his wife is probably gonna see that
*gets down on one knee*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.