Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Cha-ching is my safe word
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.