Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..