I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Smooooooth
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working