A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
catch me on valentine’s day like
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck