Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Life is a suicide mission.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
This is not me but this is me