My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.