Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview