cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
courtroom exchange of the day
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
🙄😏😂🤣
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
My circle of trust is a meatball
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.