My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit