It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno