I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.