Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
same bro
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.