Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
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Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Spring of Deception
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store