If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.