You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
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“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Perfect
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Simple
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am