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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.