Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
You Might Also Like
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u