friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!