The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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wtf management?!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now