[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”