What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.