[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
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Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Ah yes. The three genders
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
shit just got real
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
crying
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.