Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek