If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
When I laugh on my period
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog