Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.