So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
my dog when i have a friend over
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*